Friday, November 26, 2004

Buying him things

I don't know but I think I'm loosing my grip on things. It's 2 months today since I lost my Michael to cancer at age 36. He was due to get some back pay from work before Christmas so he had made a list of things he wanted to buy for himself, for us and our new home. We only bought our house 2 months before he died... his death was so fast and such a shock.

They just released this money to me yesterday and I went out shopping with HIS list. I bought the TV he wanted, the lens for his camera, some new things for the kitchen. We both loved to cook. I spent over £600! There were things on that list that he wanted to buy for me, but I didn't get those. That felt like a selfish thing to do with his money.

Two months and things just feel blacker than they ever did. I felt good buying these things for him but afterwards I thought, what a bloody waste! Why am I shopping for him? I rarely watch TV and I haven't cooked myself a proper meal for myself since he died. Everything is toast or TV dinners with a whisky chaser. Cooking was something we enjoyed doing together... I miss my "kitchen kisses".

It seems I have been sliding downhill rather than getting "better". I spend more time crying now than I ever did. I talk to him all the time and am always asking for signs that he can hear me. Is he OK? Of course he's not OK, he's dead!

I miss him so much and now I am going crazy!


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