Saturday, November 27, 2004

Coping at work?

I tried to go back to work 4 days after the funeral. I lasted a week, then asked for 2 weeks unpaid leave "just to sort my head out". The problem is that I only started this new job in July, Michael got sick at the beginning of September. I couldn't NOT be with him at the hospital, he was so sick, but so courageous. I needed to be with him 24/7. There was simply nothing more important, nowhere else I could be.

So after being in a job only six weeks, I was off for the 16 days that Michael was in hospital. Then when they sent him home, basically to die.... I was with him for that last 4 days at home too, until he died on September 27. Then the funeral was a week later... now we are into October.

I've been back at work full-time since 1st November but I just don't want to be there, I have no heart for it and no interest. I am in sales which makes it even harder. I need enthusiasm and attention to detail to get my job done and I just can't. I am just not functioning. My boss has been brilliant, he has paid me right through even though I asked them not to. They even sent a bridal bouquet to the hospital where we got married, 5 days before Michael died.

I think I am being so unfair to them, I am not performing and have only brought in one new account THIS MONTH. How can I just quit after how good they have been to me?

Friday, November 26, 2004

Buying him things

I don't know but I think I'm loosing my grip on things. It's 2 months today since I lost my Michael to cancer at age 36. He was due to get some back pay from work before Christmas so he had made a list of things he wanted to buy for himself, for us and our new home. We only bought our house 2 months before he died... his death was so fast and such a shock.

They just released this money to me yesterday and I went out shopping with HIS list. I bought the TV he wanted, the lens for his camera, some new things for the kitchen. We both loved to cook. I spent over £600! There were things on that list that he wanted to buy for me, but I didn't get those. That felt like a selfish thing to do with his money.

Two months and things just feel blacker than they ever did. I felt good buying these things for him but afterwards I thought, what a bloody waste! Why am I shopping for him? I rarely watch TV and I haven't cooked myself a proper meal for myself since he died. Everything is toast or TV dinners with a whisky chaser. Cooking was something we enjoyed doing together... I miss my "kitchen kisses".

It seems I have been sliding downhill rather than getting "better". I spend more time crying now than I ever did. I talk to him all the time and am always asking for signs that he can hear me. Is he OK? Of course he's not OK, he's dead!

I miss him so much and now I am going crazy!